Let's do a rewind in the last 2 years I've been asked "How did you do it?" by numerous friends that knew my situation which was... I got pregnant on accident, I wasn't planning on it, it just happened. I wasn't with my seed's father and he didn't want to be in our seed's life. I was doing it on my own! I honest to goodness don't know how I did "it" I just did. I knew that it wasn't about my feelings EVERYTHING was from the moment I found out I was pregnant about my seed. The seed that was an accident, the seed I decided to grow, the seed I was going to love with all my heart, the seed that would later become my Emily.
I've found out in the last 2 years life is never as we plan or somehow imagine it's going to be. Pregnancy was one of the hardest things for me. A person (in my case single woman) goes from going out every weekend with friends to not going out at all. None of your friends are pregnant so they don't understand why you're always tired and not just tired but EXHAUSTED. You're breaking "promises" which you later learn not to make those because after you're done working an 8 hours day all you want to do is sleep because your seed is literally sucking the life out of you mind you this is only the beginning. So you lose a lot of friends or they just stop talking to you. The one person you're supposed to be going through with this wants nothing to do with you and your seed you two made. You cry because you don't understand why they don't want to be in your life or going through this with you; And you continue to hope that they will change their mind before your child is born. Time slips away, you find out your seed is a girl and start planning the bedding, the crib, the room, the outfits, and NAMES! One of the hardest things to name your child especially when you're doing it by yourself. The father of your child should be here you think helping decide his baby's name, yet again it's something you go through alone; And again you think he should be here and hopefully he will change his mind before she is born. Your mornings, afternoons, and nights are spent crying saying "It's just the hormones" but knowing it's because you wonder how the man who helped make your child isn't there to support you. As you're yet again thinking that you get side tracked thinking "Man why am I getting so fat?" But yet all of this is "just because you're pregnant." The people who you know that have kids have their partner in their life so they may say I understand but they really don't understand because being pregnant alone without the child's father is really hard. (Mind you I don't regret anything I've ever done by having my daughter. I loved every cry, every moment, every day I spent waiting for my angel to come surprise me, to hug me and give me sweet kisses!)
The unexpected day of July 3, 2009 came (4 weeks before Emily's due date and my birthday) and that morning I knew something was wrong so my mom and I went to Mary Birch. However, I thought I'd go to the doctor and they'd tell me everything was fine instead I was told I'd have to deliver Emily that day. I was hoping she was still breeched because I did not want to induced labor. I started to freak out when I was told she was coming TODAY! I mean my dad wasn't there he was mowing the lawn and working on the backyard waiting for us to get back so we could go to the Del Mar Fair. My sister, Caleb, and Pat were planning on meeting us later to celebrate MY birthday not Emily's. And my brother he lived in Orange County he wouldn't make it on time to be there for her birth. So many emotions went through my head and before I knew it at 3:08p.m. Emily was born through emergency c-section. All I could think about before I went into surgery was "Where are you why are you missing one of the most important days of your life?" I don't know why but the minute I laid eyes on my daughter I only saw her father. My 5 pound 10 ounce baby girl was a mini of her daddy. At that moment all I could think about was "This is my baby and no one is ever going to hurt her." That night I sent him a picture of the seed we made into a little angel. I knew after I sent him the picture of her it was him that would have to show me he deserved to be in her life. It would take till February 16, 2010 before Emily's father finally met her.
Being a mom is the hardest job. Unless you're a parent you don't understand how hard it truly is, being a stay at home mom is hard and being a working mom is hard. It's not playing all day fun and games like people who don't have kids sometimes think. The first 3 months of Emily's life I was on maternity leave after that I had to go back to work so Emily went to daycare. It was one of the hardest things I had to do but I had to go to work because if I didn't who was going to feed, put clothes on her, buy diapers, and everything she needed I was doing it alone. I knew what I was getting into when I made the decision to have her. I was working, coming home taking care of a baby, and trying to fit some sleep somewhere in there. I remember some nights I'd only get 3 hours of sleep if that and have to go to work the next morning. It was hard and I would still think "Why aren't you here helping me?" After awhile there was no more of thinking why he wasn't here because this was my decision and I was going to make it the best and most rewarding one EVER. I've managed to do that every day of her life!
Over the last 15 months of watching Emily grow from this little tiny person that just stayed still and didn't move to this still little person that moves around tells me "no" and also "mommy mine" while hugging my legs when I'm talking to someone letting them know I'm hers. Watching my little girl roll over for the first time to her first words and her first steps to her telling me what to do. I just can't imagine ever missing any of it and I can't wait for the years to come watching her grow into a little girl to a young lady to a woman and some day a mommy of her own.
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