Somewhere with You

I love this song. The first time I heard this song I thought of your face. It sums up how I feel.


Somewhere with You by Kenny Chesney


If you're going out with someone new
I'm going out with someone too
I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go somewhere with you

I won't sit outside your house
And wait for the lights to go out
Call up an ex to rescue me, climb in their bed
When I'd much rather sleep somewhere with you

Like we did on the beach last summer
When the rain came down and we took cover
Down in your car, out by the pier
You laid me down, whispered in my ear

I hate my life, hold on to me
Ah, if you ever decide to leave
Then I'll go, I'll go, I'll go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

If you see me out on the town
And it looks like I'm burning it down
You won't ask and I won't say
But in my heart I'm always somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

Somewhere with you
I'm somewhere with you
I'm somewhere with you
Somewhere with you
Somewhere with you

The Truth...

The truth is something that some people are not prepared to face. Some people like to live in a world where they think that everything is OK and that they are this perfect parent that believes they have a right to be called a mom or a dad not realizing that they are nothing of the sort! It is a privilege being a parent! Just because you supplied some of the genetics doesn't give you the right to say you are a parent. You have to earn it! You have to show your child that you love them, you have to be there for your child everyday! You have to know your child to be a parent! A child's hero isn't the parent that is never there for them, it's the one that's providing for them, the one that's taking care of them everyday!

I am my child's best friend. I am the one that she always wants to be attached to. I'm the one that is there for her when she wakes up from a bad dream. I'm the name she calls out when she's hurt, wants a hug and kiss, or just wants to be held! I am her hero because I am the one that acts like super mom day in and day out, not because I have to but because I want to, because it makes my life more enjoyable with her in it!

I am so tired of not just men but women thinking they are a parent just because they gave some DNA to a child. No, a parent is the one that they say good night to every night, a parent is the one that puts the bandage on a boo-boo, a parent is the one that holds them when they just want to be loved, a parent is the one that made their giant 6th birthday cupcake, a parent is the one that has made the sacrifices to make their child's life the best thing in this world! A parent is the one that goes to parent-teacher conferences, a parent is the one taking them to their soccer, gymnastics, little league, dance, football games, practices and competitions. A parent is the one that helps them with their homework and makes sure that it is done every night before bed. A parent is the person they see all the time and know them as mom and dad. Not the person that doesn't call, talk, or see their child grow from day to day. The truth is from the start you never wanted to be a parent. Why keep acting as though you are or want to be?

You were never meant to be a parent because you never wanted to be one. Don't think that you're a parent because you gave some genetics to make a child. All you really are is a donor and nothing more. Unless you truly try to be in your child's life you have no title, you are no parent.

The good... the bad?!

My little family consists of two people, my daughter and me. I am given the most amazing gift of being the mother to such an amazing kid. I go to sleep everyday knowing how lucky I am to be able to wake up and go to sleep every night near my little girl. Emily is my world. She is every meaning to the word LIFE. She is everything I love. These last few days, well to be honest weeks, I have been really emotional. Maybe it is because I can tell in my daughter's eyes and face when she knows that something is bothering me. Maybe it is because I wish her father would step it up and be the father I know that he can be.

After this last week with the tragic death of Andy Irons and leaving behind his pregnant wife. He has unwillingly left behind his family, the soon-to-be new addition to his family, his unborn son. Andy died before he could/would ever meet his child. Andy will never be able to hug, kiss, cuddle, love, hold, or lay eyes on his child. It seriously breaks my heart knowing that a man that wanted to have a child won't ever see his baby and that his child can never meet his father. Makes me think of all the dads that are out there that would give anything for their child then makes me think of all the dads out there that don't know how to give their child the time of day.

How is it some fathers would give anything and everything for their kid and others don't care even about anyone other than themselves?! How is it some men just naturally do and want to be great and others don't?! I know I am anything but perfect but I know that my child is everything! I know that all her needs come before mine. I know that everything I do is for her. I know that the reason why I go to work and wake up everyday to try to do better is because of her. I know that any money I make she's the one that it goes to first for whatever she needs/wants or that I believe that she deserves. I want to be sure she has everything she has ever wanted in this world. So why is it that some fathers can't feel that same thing automatically for their child?! Why is it some it naturally comes to them the minute they lay eyes on their child and even before that moment, but others have to be taught, made, or never love their child?!

I don't understand it. Maybe I never will. Maybe in this life we aren't meant to know everything maybe it's all supposed to a mystery. Who knows only life will tell...

Blank screen...

A blank screen sometimes says more than one filled with words. Thinking of what I wanted to blog about has been a struggle this week. I have a lot going on yet none of them make out full thoughts. My mind goes from thinking about how sometimes you have to do a clean out of people in your life to be able to move on. How much Emily grows everyday and every second it seems. Then to why hasn't her father called or sent a text to see how his daughter is doing. Also thinking about Halloween, how it will be two years since Emily was made, wondering if Em's going to want to stay in her costumes, what exactly we're going to do, how we have yet to go to the pumpkin patch, and I hope that she has fun. Oh and what has gotten into my daughter to be more vocal (having the little "terrible twos" fits) since she's the only girl and 1 yr old at daycare (all the boys are between 2-3yrs old) she tends to get spoiled. Emily is a quick learner and I know she learns how to act from those boys especially when they throw their fits.

Trying to teach your child they cannot act like a spoiled little person is sometimes challenging. Although they look so adorable when they do their "fit" you have to let them know that it's not normal to pull that kind of behavior. They will see a little at a time what they can and cannot do you just have to be firm but calm when informing them they are not doing something appropriate. Emily knows now what time-out is and if she does something that is not appropriate she goes in there. She also knows how to let herself out of time-out meaning she just walks out of it mumbling something and hugging me.

I love that my daughter is a quick learner and she absorbs everything like a sponge. I just know by what she's learning now from the boys she is turning into her mother. This could be a bad thing or it could be a good thing... guess well just have to wait it all out. My screen is no longer blank it is full of words.

What do you do? When you always doubt yourself...

I'm always told being a mom is hard and that being a single mom must be extra hard; IT IS, but it's a decision I made to do it on my own when I got pregnant. There are many decisions that I have had to make that are difficult ones to say the least so far for Emily. I told myself and Emily's dad I would never take him to court to pay child support because it was my decision to have her. There is a decision that I still battle with every day which is letting her father in her life. I know I'm going to sound like a terrible person for writing this but it's how I feel and it is from my point of view. I don't know if I made the right decision by letting Emily's dad in her life. Before Emily was born I told myself there is no way in hell that he is going to ever be in her life. But in the back of my head saying well it's her dad I have to give him a chance if he does want to be in it. Well, the day came where I received an email from him saying he wanted to meet her. I had to make the decision to let him in her life or keep him away from her; I let him in her life.

Maybe I just expect too much from him but when he is giving nothing to our daughter I guess expecting him to love her is too much. And maybe love isn't the right word to use. I expect him to want to be in her life and to want to send time with her without me having to be there. I want him to do the things a "normal" caring and loving dad would do with their kid. I want him to be there for his daughter. I want him to help with her financially, emotionally, and physically. I know that it's probably way too much to ask for because I made the decision to have her, but why should he keep getting the applause when he hasn't done S*** for her. In all reality it's been me calling him to see if he wants to see her, it's been me texting him letting him know how she's been doing, it's been me paying for everything, making sure she gets to doctor's appointments, staying up on those nights she's screaming because she doesn't feel well, and all the while he's getting a nice nights sleep or a night out on the town.

But yet everyone says "Just give him time, he'll come around, he's a good guy." Well how much time do you give someone? If your child at 15 months is already asking "Where's daddy?" What are you supposed to say? How much time are you supposed to give before you say it's too late?

I don't want my daughter growing up thinking her father is only in her life sometimes. I don't want her having doubts about him. I don't want her asking me "Why doesn't daddy love me?" or "Why isn't daddy here?" I don't know if these are questions she will ask but I don't want to hear them ever have to come from her mouth in doubt that her dad doesn't love her.

I love that Emily has her dad's side of the family in her life. I just don't know if it's the right thing at this moment in her life to have her dad in her life though. If you're not trying to help better your daughter's life you shouldn't be in her life.

Maybe I'm selfish, but unless you're a mother you have no idea of what kind of struggle it is to make decisions for your child. I doubt myself every day on what decision is the right one and I know that I will doubt it until I see a change in her father where he truly 150 million percent wants to be in her life and acts like he wants to be in her life.

I love my daughter and as a mommy you always want to protect your child from ever getting hurt.

Health Insurance

Yesterday I was sent an email about my health insurance which I have through my work. It is a really good plan; I pay only 30 bucks a month for both Emily and me. I was sent an "updating" email about how our health insurance will be going up January 2011. To say the least I was just thinking it would only go up a couple of bucks, nope to my surprise it's over a 100 dollar increase to cover both myself and my child. I was astonished! I starting thinking how do other people do it? I know I have excellent benefits through my work, but how do people who don't have insurance through their work pay for insurance? It's so expensive. Then I started thinking of how dumb I was being for complaining because I know that if anything were to happen where Emily or I had to be in the hospital I'd only have to pay either a $15 co-pay or up to $250 for a hospital stay. I know people that have to pay thousands of dollars for hospital stays.

I am lucky to have the benefits I do through my work. At the same time I am a single mom and pushing out another 100 bucks more than I was before is hard. I am now thinking of how I'm going to have to re budget the monthly spending. As of right now Emily and I go month to month with my one paycheck which supports us. My question is how do you other single moms do it? (I'm talking to the moms that don't get financial help from their kid(s) father and without financial assistance from the State.) How do you manage to budget your monthly spending and still be able to do fun things with your kid(s)?

Single Mom? Single Parent? Or is it called something else?

I was told today by another mom "We need a different title. Single mom just implies you aren't with the father not that he's completely out of the picture and doesn't help at all." This got me thinking "Am I a single mom or am I called something else?" What is the title for a parent who's taking care of their child financially, emotionally, and physically all on their own? Whether it's a single dad who the mother ran away after having their child or if it's a mom that the child's father isn't in their life. We are all established by titles these days, mom, dad, brother, son, daughter, sister, friend, lover, mister, sir, misses, ma'am, b****, babe, honey, grandma, grandpa, single, divorced, married, wife, husband and so many others. So what is my title? Am I just a single mom or am I something else? What exactly is a single mom? I just don't know; I think my title is just "Emily's mommy" which to me is the best title that I could possibly have in this world.