I'm always told being a mom is hard and that being a single mom must be extra hard; IT IS, but it's a decision I made to do it on my own when I got pregnant. There are many decisions that I have had to make that are difficult ones to say the least so far for Emily. I told myself and Emily's dad I would never take him to court to pay child support because it was my decision to have her. There is a decision that I still battle with every day which is letting her father in her life. I know I'm going to sound like a terrible person for writing this but it's how I feel and it is from my point of view. I don't know if I made the right decision by letting Emily's dad in her life. Before Emily was born I told myself there is no way in hell that he is going to ever be in her life. But in the back of my head saying well it's her dad I have to give him a chance if he does want to be in it. Well, the day came where I received an email from him saying he wanted to meet her. I had to make the decision to let him in her life or keep him away from her; I let him in her life.
Maybe I just expect too much from him but when he is giving nothing to our daughter I guess expecting him to love her is too much. And maybe love isn't the right word to use. I expect him to want to be in her life and to want to send time with her without me having to be there. I want him to do the things a "normal" caring and loving dad would do with their kid. I want him to be there for his daughter. I want him to help with her financially, emotionally, and physically. I know that it's probably way too much to ask for because I made the decision to have her, but why should he keep getting the applause when he hasn't done S*** for her. In all reality it's been me calling him to see if he wants to see her, it's been me texting him letting him know how she's been doing, it's been me paying for everything, making sure she gets to doctor's appointments, staying up on those nights she's screaming because she doesn't feel well, and all the while he's getting a nice nights sleep or a night out on the town.
But yet everyone says "Just give him time, he'll come around, he's a good guy." Well how much time do you give someone? If your child at 15 months is already asking "Where's daddy?" What are you supposed to say? How much time are you supposed to give before you say it's too late?
I don't want my daughter growing up thinking her father is only in her life sometimes. I don't want her having doubts about him. I don't want her asking me "Why doesn't daddy love me?" or "Why isn't daddy here?" I don't know if these are questions she will ask but I don't want to hear them ever have to come from her mouth in doubt that her dad doesn't love her.
I love that Emily has her dad's side of the family in her life. I just don't know if it's the right thing at this moment in her life to have her dad in her life though. If you're not trying to help better your daughter's life you shouldn't be in her life.
Maybe I'm selfish, but unless you're a mother you have no idea of what kind of struggle it is to make decisions for your child. I doubt myself every day on what decision is the right one and I know that I will doubt it until I see a change in her father where he truly 150 million percent wants to be in her life and acts like he wants to be in her life.
I love my daughter and as a mommy you always want to protect your child from ever getting hurt.
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